Motherhood and maternal love are thought to somehow protect women from alcoholism. A good mother could never put alcohol before her child, could she?
I believe that in modern times, motherhood is actually a risk.
Loneliness and exclusion from the community are risk factors for alcoholism or any addiction. Addiction is not just about biology, the alcohol gene, or even how often or how much you drink. You can be a heavy user, but not an addict. You may only drink a little, but still be totally addicted.
MANY remember the rat experiment where a rat was placed alone in an unstimulating cage with two drinking bottles: one for water, the other for a mixture of heroin and cocaine. Very soon, the rat drank itself to death. This experiment was used to justify the idea of addiction as purely chemical.
RESEARCHER and psychologist Bruce Alexander did a different experiment: he put rats in a “rat paradise” with lots of playmates, various stimuli, and opportunities for social interaction. In this park, there were the same two drinking bottles, one for water and the other for the heroin-cocaine mixture.
The rats in the rat park naturally tried both bottles, but they didn’t like the drugged water. They mostly avoided it, and not a single rat died. While isolated, unhappy rats became addicted, rats living in a stimulating and happy community did not.
I drank much more, and more often, when I was a student than later when I became a mother. However, alcohol did not become an addiction during my student years because life was stimulating, free, and full of social activities. I was part of the student community.
THEN, after becoming a mother, divorced and a single parent to a young child stuck within four walls, I started filling the lonely moments with wine. Suddenly, the glass of wine became my main companion and source of joy. That’s when it became a problem.
IN Finland, mothers are often left alone with their children. There is no point in blaming mothers for not asking for help and for expecting too much of themselves when, in reality, our society demands it. Here, it is idealized to manage everything on your own, and there is no tolerance for weakness, especially from single mothers.
On the contrary: a mother is expected to be upbeat, successful, and positive. You can’t complain – it’s seen as just part of the sacrifice.
EVERYONE is busy with their own work and family.
In the early 20th century, families lived in close proximity to each other. Women took care of children and homes together. Everyone was involved in raising the children. Urbanization and industrialization broke up these family networks, leaving mothers alone within four walls with their young children.
FOR those who haven’t experienced it, I can tell you: it’s hard and often quite boring. Although you love your child more than anything, you also need intellectual companionship from another adult. And, of course, physical intimacy. It’s one thing to be alone at home, and another to be alone at home with your child.
A lonely adult is free to do something else, go for a walk, to the cinema, or anywhere. But the mother of a young child is homebound. You can’t leave your child alone to sleep.
HOWEVER, I know I’m privileged: my parents helped with childcare, and I always felt that help was available if I needed it. I have a good education, a profession, and friends. So I have remained part of the community, even while being homebound with a child. That’s why I was able to recognize my alcohol problem in time.
THERE is no research or statistical data on the prevalence of problem drinking among mothers of young children, but it is known that it has increased dramatically over the past decades.
Not only loneliness but also societal habits have contributed to women’s problem drinking. Here, wine and champagne are part of every occasion, and it’s not questioned.
WE live in the idylls of image advertising in our minds, but the reality is different.
One in ten women is a heavy drinker. The share of alcohol consumed by women has increased from 12% to 27% in the past 50 years.
THE age group that consumes the most alcohol among women, 15-29 year-olds, now drinks almost as much as the average man did in 1968 (Finland Drinks Report 2018).
Women’s alcohol consumption has steadily increased across all age groups. More and more women are secretly drinking at home. Studies show that alcohol-related deaths among women have quadrupled in 20 years.
IT’S no wonder that women of my generation drink at home when they become mothers. We used to go to the bar a few times a week as students. On Wednesday at least, we had to go out for “just one.” And that “one” was never just one.
THEN, when you become a mother, you can’t go to the bar anymore. Drinking continues at home. The beer mug is replaced by a fancy glass, matched to the wine it contains. We cloak our drinking in expensive wine and culinary experiences. For some, of course, wine is just an accompaniment to food, but for an increasing number, it becomes the main course.
HOWEVER, women hide their substance abuse problem longer than men and have a higher threshold for seeking treatment. The reason for this secrecy is shame: a good mother does not drink. Mothers also fear their children being taken into care.
I experienced firsthand that secrecy is justified: after writing the book Free from Wine and giving numerous interviews, I found myself in a courtroom fighting for custody of my 12-year-old daughter after almost 11 years of close parenting.
The evidence against me was an article in Anna magazine where I spoke about my drinking history.
I won the case, but I am convinced that a weaker mother would have lost, even if the facts were on her side.
Tiina Törmä, who has studied alcoholism, writes in her doctoral thesis that if you are dependent on social benefits, you are at the mercy of the authorities, and can only hope to encounter a fair person.
A poor mother with a history of substance abuse is under a magnifying glass, easier to control than an alcoholic mother from a well-off nuclear family.
SOCIETY must change its attitudes towards women’s alcoholism. Fear of societal judgment keeps the problem hidden, allowing it to worsen long before help is sought.
MOTHERHOOD does not protect women; rather, it can increase the risk of addiction. Loneliness exacerbates this risk, and motherhood can delay or prevent women from seeking help. For mothers with alcohol problems to feel safe in seeking help, attitudes must change dramatically.
Those seeking help for addiction need empathy, not contempt or a stigma of shame branded on their foreheads.
Ira Koivu
Text updated 16.1.2021
