Motherhood and maternal love are thought to somehow protect women from alcoholism. A good mother could never put alcohol before her child, could she?
I believe that in modern times, motherhood is a risk.
Loneliness and exclusion from the community are risk factors for alcoholism or any addiction. Addiction is not just about biology, the alcohol gene or even how often or how much you drink. You can be a heavy user, but not an addict. You may only drink a little, but you may be totally addicted.
MANY remember the rat experiment where a rat was placed alone in an unstimulated cage with two drinking hoses: one for water, the other for a mixture of heroin and cocaine. Very soon the rat drank itself to death. This experiment was used to justify the chemical emergence of addiction
Researcher and psychologist Bruce Alexander did a different experiment: he put rats in a “rat paradise” with lots of playmates, different stimuli and the opportunity to have sex. In the park, there were the same two drinking cups, one for water and the other for a heroin-cocaine mixture.
The rats in the rat park naturally tried both bottles, but they didn’t like the drugged water either. The rats mostly avoided it, and not a single rat died. Whereas isolated, unhappy rats became addicted, rats living in a happy rat community did not.
I drank much more and drank much more when I was a student than later when I became a mother. However, alcohol did not become an addiction during my student years because life was so stimulating, free and full of social activities.
I was part of the student community.
Then, after becoming a mother, divorced and a single mother of a young child stuck within four walls, I started to fill the lonely moments with wine. Naps, suddenly it felt like the glass of wine became my main friend and source of joy. That’s when it became a problem.
IN FINLAND, mothers are left alone with their children. There is no point in blaming mothers for not asking for help and for asking too much of themselves, when in reality our society demands it. Here, it’s ideal to be on your own, and there’s no leniency for the weak-minded single mothers.
On the contrary: a mother needs to be upbeat, successful and positive. You can’t complain, it’s a tiresome sacrifice.
Everyone is busy with their own work and family.
In the first half of the 20th century, the family and the family still lived in close proximity to each other. Women took care of the children and the home together. All were involved in the upbringing of the children. Urbanisation and industrialisation broke up family communities, leaving mothers alone within four walls with young children.
For those who haven’t experienced it, I can tell you: it’s hard and often quite boring. Although you love your child more than anything else, you also need the intellectual company of another adult. And, of course, physical intimacy. It’s one thing to be alone at home and another to be alone at home with your child.
A LONELY ADULT is free to do something else, go for a walk, to the cinema or wherever. But the mother of a young child is homebound. You can’t leave your child home alone to sleep.
But I know I’m privileged: my parents have helped with childcare and I’ve always felt that help is there if you need it. I have a good education, profession and friends. So I have been part of the community, even if I have been stuck at home with a child. That’s why I was able to wake up to the alcohol problem in time.
There is NO research or statistical data on the prevalence of problem drinking among mothers of young children, but it is known that it has increased dramatically over the past decades.
Not only loneliness but also habits and the surrounding society have contributed to women’s problem drinking. Here, wine and champagne are part of every occasion, and there is no question about it.
WE LIVE the idylls of image advertising in our minds, but the reality is something else.
One in ten women is a heavy drinker. The share of alcohol consumed by women has increased from 12% to 27% in 50 years. The age group that consumes the most alcohol among women, 15-29 year olds, now consumes almost as much alcohol as the average male did in 1968(Finland Drinks Report 2018)
Women’s alcohol consumption has increased steadily across all age groups. More and more women are secretly breastfeeding at home. Studies reveal that alcohol-related deaths among women have quadrupled in 20 years.
It’s no wonder that women of my age group drink at home when they become mothers. We used to go to the bar a few times when we were students. On Wednesday at least, we had to get “alone”. And the one was never one.
Then when you become a mother, you can’t go to the bar anymore. Drinking continues at home. The beer mug has been replaced by a quality glass, which is drunk from a beautiful glass recommended for the wine in question. We cloak our drinking in expensive wine and culinary delights. For some, of course, wine is just a condiment, but for an increasing number of people it is really the main course.
However, WOMEN hide their substance abuse problem longer than men and have a higher threshold for seeking treatment. The reason for the secrecy is shame: a good mother does not drink. Mothers also fear their children being taken into care.
I experienced first-hand that there is a strong case for secrecy: after writing the book Free from Wine and giving numerous interviews, I soon found myself in a courtroom fighting for custody of my then 12-year-old daughter after almost 11 years of close parenting.
The evidence against me was an article in Anna magazine in which I told about my drinking history.
I won the battle, but I am convinced that in that battle, the weaker mother would have lost, even if the facts were on her side.
Tiina Törmä, who has studied alcoholics, writes in her doctoral thesis that if you are dependent on social benefits, you are easily at the mercy of the authorities, and then you can only hope that you will find a good person.
A poor mother with a history of substance abuse is under a magnifying glass, and easier to control than an alcoholic mother from a well-off nuclear family.
SOCIETY should change its attitudes towards women’s alcoholism. Fear of environmental pressures and condemnation keeps the problem hidden, and it will get worse long before it is addressed.
So motherhood does not protect the woman, but is rather a risk for developing an addiction. Loneliness increases the risk of addiction and motherhood prevents help from being sought or at least prolongs the problem. For mothers with alcohol problems to dare to seek help, attitudes need to change radically.
Those seeking help for addiction need empathy, not contempt and a shameful stigma on their forehead.
Ira Koivu
Text updated 16.1.2021
